Revelations from the unpublished first draft of Nicola Roxon’s Kevin-Rudd-is-a-bastard speech

Posted on Oct 17, 2013 in Word on the P Street

Nicola's Burn Book

Dear The Internet,

The question remains, though: in Roxon’s legislative opinion, does Glen Coco REALLY go?

On Wednesday night our former attorney general Nicola Roxon delivered the John Button address in Melbourne, and immediately made headlines for declaring that Kevin Rudd, former PM and Labor leader, is a bastard that deserved what he got both in terms of his replacement by Julia Gillard and his kicking by the electorate in the recent federal election. And she makes a solid case – describing his “disorganisation and lack of strategy”, his “vicious tongue [and] temper” and lamenting “how terribly he treated some brilliant staff and public servants. Good people were burnt through like wildfire.”

And that has unsurprisingly captured the public attention, but it would have been even more revelatory had she delivered her first draft – which she revised after legal advice.

However, thanks to the good people at the Australian Defence Signals Directorate (slogan: “Handing your data to the US secret service since 1947”) we have accessed her original Google Doc, along with her holiday snaps, iTunes purchase history and a lot of great recipes – and, in the interests of the public good, we’ve reprinted edited highlights below.

Among Roxon’s accusations against Rudd are claims that he:

  • Always parked in her spot
  • Ended arguments over policy by insisting that Roxon was “the attorney-general of Shut Up Land”
  • Exploded a puppy using only the power of his mind
  • Put recyclables into the red general refuse bin, and refused to change the toner on the photocopier – despite being shown how on no less than four occasions.
  • Incessantly hummed the chorus to ‘Love Shack’ throughout sittings of the 20011-12 parliament
  • Has the power to change form into that of a beast, or a column of smoke
  • Not only referred to NSW premier Kristina Keneally as “Bambi”, but he had nicknames for all other Labor premiers including Bob Carr (“Sugar-drawers”), Peter Beattie (“The Golden Ram”), Mike Rann (“Ol’ Stoatsy”) and, most offensively, John “Six-dicks” Bannon.
  • Would always do ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ at the regular House of Representatives Karaoke Tuesdays, even though it goes forever
  • Can control the elemental powers of wind and flame using dark sorcery
  • Pronounces H as “haitch”, which is totally wrong
  • Can belch the entire Constitutional preamble
  • Denies the existence of Adelaide
  • Keeps an acoustic guitar in his office and regales visitors with songs by his old band “that [he’s] been meaning to lay down”
  • Always confused Stadler with Waldorf
  • Wore this one absolutely filthy Bintang singlet from December 08 to March 09
  • Draws all of his energy from our yellow sun
  • Stole Christmas

Yours ever,

APS

By Andrew P Street

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