Dear the Internet,
Despite the whiny complaints of people who bemoan the incursions into Australian culture by commercial American traditions, the fact is that Halloween is becoming more of, as the young people say, A Thing.
However, one tradition that has yet to get its chipped and bloodied claws into the Australian culture is that of television shows prepping their Very Special Halloween Episode. In the US it’s mandated by Federal law that every program must have an episode in which at least one character must either develop vampire fangs, spend a night in a haunted house, or survive a zombie uprising (except for The Walking Dead, whose Halloween episode involved all of the living and undead characters enjoying a friendly BBQ).
Because of the fine print of our deal with the US regarding international broadcast content, from 2014 every single Australian television programme will be required to have between one and six Halloween episodes per year. And we’ve seen some of the guidelines that have been issued for a range of Australian series’, outlining what will be happening this time next October. Set your TiVO now to enjoy these “small scream” highlights!*
*Also acceptable: must-scream TV.
The dead return to Ramsay Street, with the beloved likes of Helen Daniels, Madge Bishop and Stingray Timmins rising from their unquiet graves to wreak a terrible posthumous revenge on Erinsborough. In one key scene, Daphne Clarke (Elaine Smith) finally gets revenge on Greg Fleet for running her over in 1988 by strangling him with his own tie (wittily referencing to Fleet’s award-winning stand up show as she dispatches him with the line “tie… die”).
Finally, an episode which literally deals with “Aussie battlers” and “tenants from hell” as a group of landlords are forced to fight for their lives when an attempt to evict a group of interdimensional daemons goes horribly, bloodily awry.
At the Movies
Margaret and David review a short film featuring a creepy, pale, long-haired Japanese adolescent, after which they both receive an anonymous phone call informing them they have seven days to live. David pans the curse for its derivative plot and shaky camerawork, but Margaret loves its zesty energy and gives it four stars.
Nina Proudman welcomes the birth of her first child, the great horned she-demon Azrael. How can she balance her career and the stress of life as a single parent, as well as help her daughter gather enough souls to open the way for the Great Devourer? Also, could there be wedding bells for Martin and Cherie?
Home & Away
While poking around the Summer Bay Particle Accelerator and Caravan Park, Alf Stewart accidentally switches on the cyclotron and is flooded with zeta rays which give him amazing superpowers but also turn him murderously mad. April and Xavier are the only ones who can stop him, using the amulet Heath gave her after their virginity-losing one night stand, but can they stop him before he completes his mysterious Omega Device? Key scene: when his turns his heat-vision on the Summer Bay aviary, finally manifesting his much-cited “flamin’ galahs.”
Christopher Pyne reveals his plans to sell off student debt to the for-profit financial industry, Robert Hill explains why letting Queensland mining concerns destroy the Great Barrier Reef is sound environmental policy, and Scott Morrison keeps insisting that refugees are illegal, until Tony Jones wakes with a start and realises it was all just a terrible nightmare… OR IS IT?
No changes required.
Written by Andrew P Street
Art by Robert Polmear