Dear the Internet,
Australians love democracy on Facebook. And it’s fair enough too, since we don’t really get any of it in our political lives. That’s the only possible explanation for the ubiquity of quizzes asking which Game of Thrones character, which Star Wars villain and/or which intestinal parasite we are (I got E. histolytica! That’s the coolest one!).
And thus, in a shameless attempt to chase that web-savvy demographic of people with too much time on their hands, I’ve constructed this questionnaire to determine which hackneyed, over-played, downright irritating food trend most represents you, the discerning quizthusiast.
Pick yer answers, calculate yer scores, and learn your special personal truth. It’s not just fun – it’s SCIENCE!
In an ideal world, life should be…
a. indistinguishable from anyone else’s (4)
b. briefly pleasant, but then full of shame (10)
c. pointlessly complicated and dangerous (8)
d. socially responsible, yet disgusting (6)
When you think of the improvisational powers of MacGyver, you think…
a. “That would never actually work.” (2)
b. “Yeah! Whoo! Anything can be used for anything!” (3)
c. “What is going on with his hair?” (1)
d. “What’s a MacGuyver?” (0)
Your favourite design aesthetic could be best described as…
a. less is more (1)
b. more is more (2)
c. less-more is still more, but less (1)
d. covered in ants (6)
Your ideal partner is…
a. supportive and loving (2)
b. in every goddamn pub you go to (10)
c. sporting a handsome thorax (6)
d. going to kill you (8)
When you die, you hope that you’re…
a. remembered fondly (1)
b. burned away with chemicals (8)
c. doused in oil and vinegar (10)
d. scattered along every main street as far as the eye can see (4)
25+ You are SLIDERS!
No-one remembers inviting you, but there you are in every front bar trying to evoke an easy retro cool but actually coming across as kinda greasy and ingratiating. Even when you’re the only thing available at the end of the night, folks have no problem turning you down.
21-24 You are NITROGEN DESSERTS!
You don’t need to do anything to make people like you, and yet you make things unnecessarily difficult by showing off and hurting people in the process. We get it: you’re just trying to get a reaction – but does it have to be so caustic?
16-20 You are MEALS MADE FROM INSECTS!
You’re forward thinking, you’re responsible, you’re environmentally conscious – and you have terrible, terrible taste. You’re also strangely insubstantial, and ultimately you leave people feeling unsatisfied and slightly ill.
11-15 You are FOOD SERVED ON BITS OF WOOD/DRINKS SERVED IN JARS!
The first time people meet you they think “hey, what a free spirited iconoclast!” and then rapidly tire of your deliberate, studied kookiness. And if you’re such a precious snowflake of an individual, why are you doing precisely what a dozen others are doing within a three minute radius?
Less than 10 You are EXPENSIVE CUPCAKES/FROZEN YOGHURT!
You’re everywhere, so presumably someone must like having you around, but damned if anyone can work out who exactly that must be. Certainly, you appear to be pretty lonely every time you’re encountered – how do you even make a living?