Melbourne or Sydney: which city will kill you first?

Posted by on Feb 26, 2014 in Word on the P Street


Melbourne sign

Written by Andrew P Street | Art by Robert Polmear

Dear the Internet,

The Guardian recently published an interactive map showing how one’s life expectancy changes depending on where in the world one lives. It’s a fascinating tool unambiguously showing that people in big cities tend to live significantly longer than those in rural and remote deathtraps.

However, looking at our wide brown land that’s so controversially girt by sea, it’s notable that those who live over in Sydney apparently die six weeks earlier than the national average… which got us to wondering how Melburnians fare.

To investigate this, we’ve elucidated the elements that extend and diminish life for Sydney residents, alongside those of the nation’s cultural capital, Melbourne.

Tantalising anticipation of eventually doing the BridgeClimb, definitely this year, definitely +4 mo Sense of unfettered awe and wonder when beholding the majestic beauty of Federation Square +3 mo
Exhaustion from life being constant whirlwind of Baz Luhrmann production numbers -4 mo Injuries sustained falling off footpath because of intrusive public art -6 mo
Bondi Beach over-flexing -8 mo The weather: oh dear god, the weather -8 mo
Relaxing snoozes in Parramatta Road traffic +1 mo Post-Jet grief -4 mo
Delight at easy access to the electrifying nightlife of Canberra +1 mo Disappointment at not being Berlin/Tokyo/New York -3 mo
Rugby -3 mo AFL +3 mo
Proximity to Kyle Sandilands -9.5 mo Knife fights over which Fitzroy café has the worst coffee -3 mo
Citywide safety, respect and happiness manifested by 1.30am pub lockouts TBC Enduring hope that Harold Holt will return any minute now +2 mo
Mysterious Shire vanishings -4 mo St Kilda foreshore despair -4 mo
Tram envy -3 mo Yarra poisoning -8 mo
Mardi Gras float collisions -2 mo Seeing that blonde one from Neighbours at the supermarket +7 mo
Sense of freedom from never having to endure the burdens of home ownership +12 mo Hearing loss from embarrassing overabundance of live venues -1 mo
Restaurant queue ennui -6 mo Comedian infestations -3 mo
Relief at not being Brisbane +3 mo Relief at not being Adelaide +3 mo
Smug sense of superiority +6 mo Sense of superior smugness +6 mo
TOTAL -1.5 mo TOTAL 0


So which city is better? One thing is clear: they both shit all over Blinman.

Seriously. You ever been to the Flinders Ranges? The town’s a goddamn hellhole.

Yours ever,