15 May

Play the 2014 Federal Budget home game!

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Play the 2014 Federal Budget home game

Written by Andrew P Street | Art by Robert Polmear

Dear the Internet,

You’ve probably watched with excitement as the all-dancin’, all-smokin’ treasurer handed down his budget earlier this week and thought “heck, I like the sounds of this massively inequitable and unsubstantiated cut-fest!”

Well, we have some great news: you can bring down your own unnecessary and nationally-damaging budget in the comfort of your own home, simply by playing the Department of Treasury’s exciting new spin-off product: the 45% interactive Diamond Joe Hockey Federal Budget and Class War 2014 game!

Using the same cardboard and string technology that’s now being rolled out to replace the National Broadband Network, you can recreate all the manufactured panic and pious condescension of your federal government in the comfort of your own home! The rules are below, so don’t wait for the Senate to ratify it: start playing today!

RULES

1. The aim of the game is to fix the nation by owning as much of it as possible.… Read more

22 December

Greg Hunt backflips on whaling

Posted by in News, Politics

Captain Siddharth Chakravarty - Sea Shepherd

Environment minister Greg Hunt has reneged on his promise to send a boat to monitor the whaling season in the Southern Ocean.

In a move that won’t surprise Sea Shepherd, Hunt now intends to send an A319 aircraft, staffed by Customs personnel, which will “send a clear message that the Australian government expects all parties to abide by the laws of the sea”.

Also, the intended ship is tied up rounding up boat people.

A plane can sporadically monitor proceedings, but is not equipped to prevent any violent clashes between Japanese whalers and Sea Shepherd ships, nor witness all developments.

When Labor were in power, Hunt put pressure on them on three occasions to send a ship to monitor whaling – and so now Greens are calling on him to resign.

To quote Captain Siddharth Chakravarty, who Time Out Melbourne interviewed just before the Steve Irwin and Bob Barker set sale from Melbourne, “The Australian Government has made this statement many times – it’s always a promise that’s made pre-election.… Read more

8 November

Global Bore-ming, am I right?: a very special guest column by former PM John Howard

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My fellow Internet Australians,

It’s a great honour to be given the opportunity to write this guest column for Time Out, to give some balance to the left-wing media’s insidious socialist manifesto. In fact, just the other day I saw some television programme that was attempting to push an aggressive pro-voting platform without giving any sort of equal acknowledgement of the opposing perspective. I’m sick of these partisan zealots hijacking the public airwaves to push their own narrow agenda, and it’s certainly the last time I ever watch The Voice.

Thus I welcome this chance to expand on some of the comments I made to the Global Warming Policy Foundation in London earlier this week, explaining that global warming fears are exaggerated, and the scientists have no business influencing politics. There are those who have criticised my authority to pontificate on the science of climate change after admitting that I’ve read a single book on the subject – Nigel Lawson’s An Appeal to Reason: a Cool Look at Global Warming.… Read more

24 October

The new official Tony Abbott glossary

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Dear The Internet,

aps-abbottglossary

(from the upcoming children’s edition)

With the news that your immigration minister Scott Morrison has issued an edict that the term “asylum seeker” be stricken from all official departmental communications and replaced with “illegal maritime arrival”,  commentators have been making the unfair comparison between the Abbott government and the “newspeak” adopted by the dystopian ministries of George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Such hyperbole is obviously ridiculous, since a) creating a standard term of reference for all staff will help streamline the dissemination of policy in a clear and accessible manner, and b) we have always been at war with Eastasia.

It’s only one of a raft of new terms and with that in mind, we contacted the Department of Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy, and communications minister Malcolm Turnbull graciously faxed us a copy of the government’s forthcoming official glossary.

Keep these terms in mind in all communications going forward, including your personal correspondence.… Read more

3 October

Patriot or Traitor: take our Tony Abbott Quiz!

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Dear the Internet,

Everybody wins!

Everybody wins!

Your Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been in Indonesia assuring president Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono that he is “fair dinkum about doing what we can to help Indonesia in every way” in terms of their sovereignty, which is Abbott-speak for “protect our northern oceanic borders for us and we’ll continue to ignore your human rights atrocities in Papua New Guinea.”

And heck, you might see yourself as being a pretty dinkum sort of a cobber – but are you sufficiently dinkum to contribute in a proactively bonza manner in this brave new Abbottscape?

Fortunately, with the help of senior advisors to the Departments of Immigration and Foreign Affairs & Trade (and not Science, obviously, since we don’t have one of those anymore), we have constructed this quiz to establish quickly and definitively whether you are a patriot or a traitor.

Incidentally, this will also form the basis of our citizenship test just as soon as the new Senate takes power in 2014 (after Palmer United senators add the necessary extra questions like “Australia was specifically founded to be mined, the industry for which should therefore never be taxed or subject to environmental regulation: agree, strongly agree, violently agree, threateningly agree”).… Read more