Written by Andrew P Street | Art by Robert Polmear
Dear the Internet,
If there’s one thing that our nation learned last Sunday with success of rating smashers INXS: Never Tear Us Apart and the Schapelle Corby biopic Schapelle, it’s that we Australians love nothing more than seeing our own stories ineptly reflected back at us.
This hasn’t gone unnoticed by our Federal government, who recognise that the best way to win hearts and minds in support of their political agenda is by telling our culture’s greatest stories on the small screen.
That’s why the following three blockbuster television events are currently being rushed into production – so here’s a preview of what will, unless Labor and the Greens block it in the upper house, be 2014’s federally-mandated Must-See TV!
Australia’s sweetheart Lisa McCune is Sophie Everywoman, a single mum struggling to balance her work and personal life under the yoke of protectionist unions forcing her to accept award wages, OH&S standards in the workplace and crippling obligations like employer superannuation contributions and paid leave.
However, a chance meeting with dashing Howard-era employment minister Kevin Andrews (Julian McMahon) makes her realise that she really can have it all simply by outlawing collective bargaining and allowing her to negotiate as equals with her employers, who promptly make her position casual.… Read more
The word is out – the Melbourne International Comedy Festival has just announced its full 2014 lineup. For a taste of the chuckles to come, we tagged along to the Toff for the media launch. Hold onto your oversized novelty hats: this Festival’s coming at you like a hurricane of hilarity.
“It’s the best time to be in Melbourne,” says Festival Director Susan Provan. Judging from the rag-tag bunch of energetic comedians she lets loose at the launch, we’re inclined to agree. Joining the preliminary announcements are the legendary Lawrence Mooney and Cal Wilson, along with the rapidly ascending Celia Pacquola, Luke McGregor and Ronny Chieng.
Clad in World War One military garb is stalwart Aussie comedian Damian Callinan, whose show, The Lost WW1 Diary of Pte. Paddy Callinan will see him bringing the trademark Aussie sense of humour back to a topic that he feels is often dealt with too earnestly. Acclaimed character comedian Kate McLennan is also costumed – in a duck suit. Apparently, Kate’s not sure whether having your whole life worked out really is The Duck’s Nuts, and she wants to talk about it.
Comedy diva Em Rusciano has spared no excruciating detail from her heartfelt Divorce: the Musical.… Read more
The Centre for Adult Education is joining forces with Etsy in hopes of crafting over 1000 pom poms on White Night. The pom poms will be combined to create a giant pom pom sculpture and will also be filled with messages from participants. Over 80 kilos of white wool will be on hand and special guest instructors, local artist Sarah McNeil and Pony Anarchy editor Kristie Webster, will be guiding participants in their pom pom making adventures.
Another day, another overseas brand descends on Australia
The first COS (that’s short for Collection of Style) will open at Melbourne’s the Strand, on Elizabeth St later on this year. Melbourne will be the first city in the southern hemisphere to have a COS of it’s own. If you’re not familiar the brand, it’s an offshoot of Swedish mega-retailer H&M, that delivers high-quality, minimal basics and timeless staples. Marie Honda, COS’ Overall Brand Responsible explained to Today Online: ”I would like to think that they are essential pieces in your wardrobe. But they are also very modern. And it’s important that you have the right cut for the season or the right finish for the material.” This move comes off the back off news that Melbourne will also be the first Aussie home for a bunch of other international retail big-wigs including parent label H&M at Melbourne’s GPO, Japan’s Muji and Uniqlo at Chadstone and Emporium respectively, and possibly even a Marks and Spencer.… Read more
Make sure your next selfie is nothing less than 100% M.E.L.B.O.U.R.N.E.!
1. With the bagpipe busker
This dude wears either an Elmo or Mario Bros suit and plays the pipes around Bourke St Mall or Queensbridge Square some evenings. He’s just asking for some unannounced accompaniment, right? (NB: Always accompany responsibly)
2. With the taxidermied giraffe at the Carlton Club
Seriously, nobody will have thought of this. And if they have, try the ostrich instead. And anyway, it’s late, so who cares?
3. In front of the Kum Den restaurant sign
If you’re in Chinatown, this one’s a must. Also, the prices of dumplings inside are extremely reasonable.
4. Below the ‘Commit No Nuisance’ sign
Is it a coincidence this olde-worlde Heffernan Lane sign is within a stone’s throw of the Exford’s bottle shop? Possibly not.
5. Looking into the Souvlaki King mirror
Have you ever really, really looked into the black depths of your soul? There’s a mirror just outside this kebab house on Brunswick Street that bids you “have a good look at yourself”.
Written by Jack Clarke
With Valentine’s Day looming perilously around the corner, things are looking bleak for all the recently divorced men and women. Post-divorce dating is a tricky business, even more so with a houseful of kids tugging at your sleeve. How can you enjoy a night of unadulterated romance when you’re forced to sit through another episode of Adventure Time with the boys before picking up your 12 year-old from her first awkward Valentine’s movie date by 9.00pm?
“I need to find someone who understands the trauma of divorce and/or the demands of parenting,” we hear you cry. “Please Time Out magazine: help me in my quest to find a fellow single divorcee.”
Have no fear because software and communication company Pitney Bowes have taken great lengths to identify the divorce ‘hot-spots’ across the country by pinpointing the areas with the highest amount of single divorced adults. Pitney Bowes have given these stats a positive spin by suggesting these areas are the ideal locations to look for some ‘second-chance love’. And hey – they’re by the seaside!
Frankston North holds the highest divorce rate in the state (ranked 29th nationally) with Rosebud coming in a close second. But if you’re really keen to get into the divorced-dating game, by a ticket to Queensland which boasts a whopping 48% of areas with above-average numbers of singe divorced residents.… Read more
Written by Andrew P Street | Art by Robert Polmear
Dear The Internet,
Well, it’s been a big, brassy week for horrible music. Who’d have thought that being reminded of ‘Shiny Happy People’ would have blossomed into the gorgeous flower that the Nottest 100 has become? What began as a stupid joke has turned into something much more wonderful: a bigger stupid joke.
And I have been heartened and horrified and delighted and disgusted by the response.
Hundreds of songs were nominated, and hundreds of votes were cast, and hundreds of people told me that the list included songs they loved and did I want to fight. Almost as many told me that they’ve been thrashing the Spotify playlist in an orgy not not-guilty-enough pleasure. And I thank you, the weirdly passionate music lovers of Australia, for being part of the process.
And also: your taste in music is terrible.
Rather than churn through the entire list and make arbitrary distinctions between equally low-rating songs (thank you, Australia, for having no problem with ‘Love Shack’), I present to you what our proud nation has determined – through DEMOCRACY! – as being the Five Worst Songs Of All Time.
It was a hotly contested battle in the upper echelons, with some worthy contenders not quite making the cut – so commiserations to haters of such legitimately awful songs as Nickelback’s ‘Photograph’, Sandi Thom’s ‘I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)’, Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’, Black Eyed Peas’ ‘My Humps’, Oasis’ ‘Wonderwall’, the Baha Men’s ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ and – just missing the top five by the slimmest of slim margins, Joe Dolce’s immortal ‘Shaddap You Face’.… Read more
Change, friends, is inevitable. And over the past two weeks, Fitzroy institution the Workers Club has been quietly going through a few.
Now before you panic, hear this: Monday nights at the Workers’ Club will remain a wonderland of cheap dranks. There will even be the added bonus of cheeseburgers from 10pm. Free cheeseburgers. Sounds good, yeah? Well, the good news doesn’t stop there. Twerkshop, the Ghetto Zumba workshop set to make you sweat, is sticking around too.
So aside from fattening us up with free burgers, what is actually changing?
Well, after years of hosting great musical talent before they hit the big time (Tame Impala and Lorde to drop a few names), the Workers Club is now fortifying that reputation, bringing on a new booking team to ensure they move onwards and upwards.
Enter Indra Adams, a Melbourne music mogul with over a decade of experience booking talent for venues like the Espy and Ding Dong lounge as well as being the founding director of his own agency, Singhala Music. Alongside Adams stand Rachel Marzorini, who will be assisting with administration, and Rose Callaghan: Twitter extraordinaire and social media boss.
Sometimes change can be kind of uncomfortable. But we’re thinking that with a new booking team dedicated to continuing to build and strengthen the Workers’ connection to local musicians (and with all the other things we love sticking around), this is a well-executed leap in the right direction.… Read more
The good old days, before anybody died.
If you’ve strolled along Brunswick Street lately and wondered what oh what will become of the now defunct Bala’s Food Source, we can tell you that it’s about to become a Mexican restaurant. Which probably won’t surprise you. What will surprise you is that you won’t ever be able to eat there. The crew behind Offspring, Melbourne’s hit adventures-in-neurosis TV drama, have commandeered the space and are currently turning it into a faux cantina for a shoot next week. After that, the real new leaseholder will be moving in and starting up a traditional Italian trattoria. Fun fact.… Read more
Up she goes! Pictured: City of Port Phillip Mayor Amanda Stevens with Van Haandel Group’s Anthony Musarra, and Stokehouse crew
It feels like mere seconds since St Kilda’s seaside restaurant Stokehouse was lost to fire. But, proving that you can’t keep a good man or restaurant down, Frank Van Haandel has announced that they will be opening a temporary pop-up eatery on the site next Friday.
According to the team, the pop-up will run from February 14 (romantic!) to May 11, and will be serving a selection of both the restaurant and café’s trademark dishes, as well as running a bar.
It’s pretty impressive. You can even make a booking, but walk-ins are welcome. And while we’re on the subject of entering the temporary premises, you’ll be pleased to know that there will be walls. The structure is being built by Harry the Hirer – it’s essentially a giant reinforced marquee situation replete with glass walls. Comme Catering (part of the Van Haandel empire) will be providing the mobile kitchen. It will be close to business-as-usual before you know it.… Read more