The all-singing, all-bitching televised glitter bomb that is the Real Housewives of Melbourne is almost here. But whose side are you on? Whose random acts of fashion will you defend to the death or take to the social medias to scorn? If we know anything at all about surviving endless work conversations about reality TV, it’s that you need to pick your horse early on. And so, behold: our nifty guide to determining which RHM dame could be your BFF.
1. What’s your naughtiest shopping addiction?
a. Sparkly jewellery
b. Low-cut frocks
d. Plastic surgery
f. Darling, I love it all!
2. Who’s your ideal man?
a. A sophisticated man who appreciates beauty
b. A regular guy who follows his creative passion
c. A bon vivant who knows his way around a kitchen
d. A sexy younger man who can keep up with me
e. A smart guy who’s not threatened by an assertive woman
f. Someone with enough cash to fund my travel and shopping
3. What’s your idea of the perfect weekend?
a. Quiet family time at our Mornington Peninsula weekender
b. A romantic weekend in with my husband
c. Organising a huge, fabulous party for all my friends
d. Skiing at Mt Buller – with no boring man to drag me off the slopes!
e. Shopping on Chapel Street and feasting on Italian food
f. Hopping in the jet for cheese tasting on King Island
4. Who’s your favourite Disney villain?
a. The Queen from Snow White
b. Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid
c. The Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland
d. Mother Gothel from Tangled
e. Maleficent from Cinderella
f. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
5. What is your biggest fear?
a. Letting myself go
b. Being the bearer of bad news
c. Conflict – why can’t everyone get along?
d. Getting old
e. Being a pushover
f. Getting stuck in the same place forever
Mostly As: You’re Andrea Moss!
A former journalist, you’re now a pampered puss married to a plastic surgeon and running your own upmarket skincare centre. You’re an organised person who keeps herself nice.
Mostly Bs: You’re Jackie Gillies!
Your childhood sweetheart became a rock star… but now it’s your turn to shine! A celebrity psychic, you’re in tune with your spiritual side. But you’re also quick to laugh and tough on bullshit.
Mostly Cs: You’re Chyka Keebaugh!
You’re a real people person who built a love of home cooking and entertaining into a thriving catering and events company. The bubbly anchor of your social circle, you’re also the peacemaker soothing over tensions.
Mostly Ds: You’re Janet Roach!
You’re an energetic, self-made woman, preferring to run your own property development business than work for someone else. You’re recently single and embracing life with new zest.
Mostly Es: You’re Gina Liano!
A barrister and cancer survivor with a taste for flamboyant hair and makeup, you keep flighty people around you grounded. You’re never shy about offering your opinion… and you don’t sugarcoat it.
Mostly Fs: You’re Lydia Schiavello!
A lover of travel, you married in Florence and have your own private jet. You’re an extravagant shopper and charity event organiser. But you’re enough of a quiet homebody to study interior design.
Real Housewives of Melbourne premieres Sunday February 23 at 8.30pm on Arena.
Written by Mel Campbell
Photography John Tsiavi